When I started to write this first year experience of the horror stories I faced (though humorous when you think about it after the fact) on our homestead, I was without any photos. This morning I awoke and "he" was sitting there. Talk about a wake up call, I could have easily skipped coffee after this appearance. How I truly value the invention of the fly swatter! I have since learned to place one in every room (even the shower, more on that later). They are the homemaker's best friend on the farm! It's many uses include, but are not limited to, crickets, spiders of unusual size, mosquitoes, suction cup froglets (more on those below) and as I learned today, scorpions.
Our first meeting with the creatures of the unchartered world was in the first week of our arrival. We were all jet-legged and exhausted as we went to bed. At three o'clock in the morning, I was finally able to sleep when I was woken up by my notoriously dramatic daughter. She informed me that there was a huge spider in the bathroom. I being quite irritated at losing sleep to someone who claimed themselves a "frontier woman", began to give her the spiel on "life on the farm". We are to expect spiders as we had those in the city as well! But, I did my motherly duty by investigating the crime scene. When I saw the enormous, creepy, crawly, hairy and long-legged TARANTULA, I wanted to faint. However, if I did so, I couldn't imagine the horrors of us alone in that same little room, so instead I quickly dispatched of it with my poor slipper which I no longer wanted to wear. Before going back to bed, I did repent to dear daughter for my lack of compassion as we embraced each other with fright of the memory... We were city girls after all.
A few weeks later, I encountered the second species of terror. While showering after a long and hot day of scrubbing down our new home, I stood a vulnerable target as a small green frog the size of a silver dollar leaped out across the tile. The possibilities were endless! Scared to death that it would latch on and make contact, I screamed as I reached for the fly swatter I had strategically placed near by (for at this point in the game, I was armed and dangerous!). A game of suction-cup-frog ping pong ensued. Boy can they jump! They also required multiple swats! For the following month (until ALL the screens were put up in the house), I showered with the sliding door open for quick exit with zero concern that my bathroom floor was flooded each time. My husband mocked this when he found out but has recently confessed he employed the same policy upon hearing of my unpleasant tub-time recreation.
And lastly, for those of you who think dinosaurs are extinct, you have never seen a gila monster. If it isn't a smaller scaled iguanodon then I don't know what is. My daughter screamed to me from the back yard to "come quick" for she had cornered one of these creatures. From what I understand, they won't be the first to attack unless they feel threatened. Apparently, me standing nearby with a hoe in my shaking hand wasn't of concern. My husband was gone, my daughter was sure that mother could rid the farm of the notorious egg thieves so I felt obligated to be the heroine (though I am very much the coward)! The only weapon that could put enough distance between me and that shrunken behemoth was the hoe in my hand. With only half the strength I possessed (have you ever had wobbly hand syndrome when scared?) I lunged forward towards my enemy (okay, two inches) and before I even made contact with the creature I was already screaming (The knowledge of it's thick and scaled body meeting the garden tool that I held gave me the willies). "Aaaaaah"!!! and the hoe bounced off the victim in slow motion. The gila monster, clearly unbothered by this tragic attack, sauntered back into the corner where it had left it's (our) eggs. I thought a moment… How did Jael do her deed with a tent peg? But, back to reality when a silver streak like that of an angel pulled onto our property (husband's pick up). My knight in shining armor arrived to finish off what I really didn't even start… In his eyes, I had just baby-sat the creature until he arrived on the scene to dispose of the little beast.
With all those horrors I described, there are still many blessings woven in which I have been sharing this past twelve months. I am still here and wondering what next year will bring. I am hoping something more in the lines of beautiful rainbows, blooming roses and fresh produce. But the creature awaiting me this morning doesn't make me too hopeful…
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